Monday, April 28, 2008

Lazy Left Leg

I have again been stricken with another bout of lazyfatassitis. It is a medical condition known to be capable of affecting people of all walks of life-- fat-asses or skinny-asses alike, causing them to have extreme difficulties in moving their asses off the couch and making these people do absolutely nothing all day.

Once diagnosed with this fairly common but highly untreatable disease, the patient is doomed for life -- no amount of spanking, slapping, poking, prying or kicking of one’s ass or whacking of the head attached to the body attached to the ass would cause it to budge, except maybe if you put a bag of Ruffles chips on the dining table thus causing that ass to maybe, just maybe, move like a friction of an inch off the couch while the body attached to it maneuvers a long stick/pole to knock the bag of chips off the table and towards the ass.

Sometimes, in a rare occurrence, one leg (say, the right one) will exhibit a patellar reflex out of nowhere, perhaps subconsciously telling the body that it has had enough and wants to start walking again, and so the body attached to the lazyfatass starts to make a move when the other leg, the lazy left leg exhibits a paralytic syndrome where it absolutely refuse to budge.

It’s like the left leg doesn’t know what the right leg is doing, or vice versa. And eventually, usually, the lazy left leg wins.

No surprises there.

So, the lazyfatass remains on the couch for a while longer.

There is no remedy, no cure, no antidote of any kind for this lazyfatassitis.

The only way to get rid of it is to give it time, because in time, the lazyfatass will get couch-sores (much like bed-sores) and will have to snap out of it, even if only to relapse in the near future.

And so, we just wait and wait and wait…

And we wait some more.


**Lazy Left Leg is a title of a 2004 movie which incidentally was such a flop that only a couch potato lazyfatass would know about it.

Monday, April 14, 2008

Bumper Stumper

Last Thursday as I was driving to work, someone got into a little accident with me while my car was at the traffic light. The lady driver may have overestimated the little opening between my car and hers and tried to change lanes thus knocking into my bumper.

We pulled to the side, got out, assessed the damage, she admitted her fault and we exchanged numbers. That’s it. I didn’t even scream and yell. Too early in the morning for that and it’s just a minor dent on my bumper. No need to get my blood pressure up.

The funny thing was, eventhough our cars didn’t block traffic, the onlookers caused a traffic jam anyway.

Small fender-bender like that also want to gawk ka woi????

Anyway, I took it lightly. I didn’t even bother to go to the workshop over the weekend. I’ll do it next week, I thought.

So I went about and did other things and completely unperturbed by the dent.

This morning, as I was driving to work, again, another woman driver bumped me on the rear while trying to change lanes at the traffic light. What’s up with all these people not knowing how to change lanes??? Tak masuk sekolah memandu ke woi?

We pulled over to the side and lo and behold, this time got hole one!!!

Aiyoh… koyak bontot aku lorrr…

I was stunned because there are 2 fender-benders in 5 days and in the same kind of situation. This 2nd woman was in a hurry and quickly took charge giving me her numbers and promising to pay for the damage and all. I can’t remember what I said but I think I didn’t say more than 10 words. I was stumped. I was too blurred. I was too stunned. I was getting superstitious, I mean, twice in 5 days???

Okay, so I have to go to the workshop today and get the damage assessed. I’ve got to get this out of the way now.

Wednesday, April 09, 2008

Hello Kitty

I have never been so sleepy in my entire life than I have been in the past few weeks. Maybe it’s because I have been waking up earlier than usual in the mornings to attend to my kittens. They are a demanding lot, them kitties. I have to play with them before I go to work, and pay full attention to them when I come back.

When they are sick I have to attend to them like mothers attend to their babies. I take them to the vet and give them antibiotics. I have to cuddle them and stroke them and make sure they know that they are loved.

I took them for their vaccination last Saturday and they were feverish thereafter. Mopster the eldest was very cranky and was seemingly angry at me for putting her through all that.

Understandably so. They were fine until I decided to take them to THAT place. “Nothing good ever come out of that place”, they must’ve thought.

“Everytime we go there, they shove that plastic thingy up our behind and then they stick a needle on our back”.

“That must’ve been why we can’t even walk properly afterwards”.

Poor kitties.

I find that I have been talking about my kittens at any chance I get. My friends must be so dead tired of hearing me speak now.

It’s much like those people with children- whenever you talk to them, they have nothing else to say except talk about their kids, and so you’re obliged to just say “Ooh!”, “Ah!”, “How cute!”, and just giggle along when they regale you with stories of how ‘adorable’ their kids are.

In order not to hurt their feelings, I have always found it necessary to just nod along and do all of the above, but deep inside, I have always thought, “GAWD! Enough already!! Don’t you have anything else to talk about?????”

Sadly, I have now unwittingly joined this group of people. Everything now revolves around my Mopster, Pippin and Blanket. I talk about them everyday and I think about them all the time, always thinking of what else can I do to make them happy. I don’t even care if I drive my friends crazy with all these kitty talk.

I have lost count of how much I have spent on their food, equipment, toys and medications. I know for a fact that I have spent more on them in the past 2 months than I spent on my own clothes, but I just don’t want to get the figures straight lest I pass out from shock.

And now, as I consider neutering my kittens, I can’t bear the thought of them being in pain from the procedures. I am not in favour of cats breeding all their lives, and with all the medical evidence pointing out the health benefits, it is clear that neutering of felines is good for them in the long run. But when I think of the pain they have to go through, I’m at a loss.

The good thing however is that my kitties are only 4 months old, so there’s time yet for me to think and prepare myself for the procedures. I hope I can get some perspective before the time comes.

Ah, how my life has turned upside down because of these 3.

Speaking of upside down, just last night as I was enjoying my dinner at home, I couldn’t stop chuckling at the irony of me eating raw fish that is sushi and sashimi whilst the kittens are eating cooked and processed tuna.

What a weird world this is!

Thursday, April 03, 2008

Saving Fish From Drowning

The country is abuzz with the stories about Sufiah Yusuf, the Math genius who entered Oxford at the age of 13. It’s sad that she has turned out this way, from a world reknowned prodigy to hooker. It’s a bizarre turn of events that made us wonder what triggered such a downfall and if such a thing could happen to us.

And of course the next thing that came to my mind is, “What a waste of our taxpayers money!!!”

Sufiah's mother is a Malaysian who had turned her back on her family in Johor. She married a Pakistani and lived in UK and only reached out to her Malaysian roots when she needed financial aid to put her daughter into Oxford.

And of course, being the greedy Malaysians that we are, we would stake a claim to anything that has any Malaysian connection whatsoever no matter how remote as our own and we embrace them and hail them as our greatest achievements with the Malaysia Boleh slogan blaring in the background.

Like how we so tak malu claim that Guy Sebastian is a Malaysian, remember that?

Our DPM as the then Education Minister decided to give this then 13 year old a scholarship.

AS IF she’s going to come and be of any use to us in Malaysia when she’s done studying.

And then, she had to run away from Oxford in the middle of her studies, so all our money spent for putting her there were flushed down the toilet.

And then the shocking news came out.

And now, the government has decided to intervene and start a mission called the ‘Save Sufiah Program’ led by that Mashitah woman.

Are we even sure that she needs saving in the first place?

By the way, correct me if I’m wrong but wasn’t it Mashitah who once said that it is alright for prostitutes to do what they do when they are desperate? Well, maybe Sufiah was desperate, so it’s justified, no? If they really want to help, just send her £100 and send her on her way.

There is no need to spend any more money on her than we already have when we don’t even spend much to help our own girls in the dark alleys of KL’s red light districts aside from arresting them from time to time and throwing them back out on the streets.

More so, please, please don’t send a delegation of 10 or so government officers on this so-called mission only to have them spend weeks staying at some 5 star hotels on our money.

If they really really want to help, we already have Malaysian representatives staying in UK, why not get them to help reach out to her? Some financial assistance may be given, but let’s not go overboard.

And more importantly, do it on the basis of humanity- People helping people, not as some tool to gain political mileage.

Let’s not use Sufiah any more than she has already been used.